I Have Missed You All Along
by klikeszombies
Summary: GKM prompt fill: Santana made the worst mistake of her entire life while in college, and she's pretty sure she will live with that regret for the rest of her life. But sometimes fate is stronger than human fault. And maybe all they need is a second chance.
1. Chapter 1

**AN:**Another story! I promise everything in progress will get finished but I just couldn't stop myself.

This is based off of a GKM prompt which I will post here. Warning though, if you read the prompt it will spoil the story for you. That won't make it any less good, but if you like to be surprised, don't go read the prompt.

glee-kink-meme . livejournal 38839 . html ?thread= 51932343#t51932343

Thank you as always to my beta who is wonderful. Thank you also to the prompter I hope this goes in a place that you can enjoy.

If you have any questions PM me or find me on tumblr.

klikeszombies .tumblr .com

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Santana met Brittany a month after she started college. Brittany was a dancer at the other big university in the city. She ran into her while she was rushing through the bookstore trying to find a new jump drive. She had dropped hers in puddle. That actually fucking happened. But anyway, she literally ran into Brittany. She didn't know she was Brittany then. She knew she was a blonde, that she just sent flying to the floor along with her books, and she was about to go all Lima-Heights on this bitch, she needs to watch where she's going. Until the girl on the floor looked up. Eyes like that could stop a girl in her tracks. She reached her hand for the blonde to help her up. When their hands touched Santana almost pulled her hand back because there was a spark. A real, I can feel it in my whole arm, spark. But she didn't and Brittany clasped her hand and got back to her feet. And that was how they met.

Through the briefest of conversations (because Santana really was in a hurry) she found out that Brittany was a dance major and was here to see if the IT desk upstairs could fix her computer. Santana quickly jotted her phone number down and told her that if they couldn't to give her a call. She had an affinity for computers. Spending hours in secret on hers was one way she had distracted herself from a life she wasn't particularly proud of or happy to have.

Her father cheated on her mother when she was a baby. She thinks he must have felt guilty because he's been sending her money way above and beyond the call of child support but he couldn't have felt guilty enough to actually spend time with her. Her mother was bitter, clearly. She had not been in another relationship again. When Santana was younger her mother had a lot of male friends. But by the time Santana was in high school and her mother was more her friend than a mother anyway, she understood the men for what they were. Fuck buddies.

Santana didn't spend her entire life in turmoil and confusion over her sexuality. It was more of a realization that she had sometime in 9th grade when she was watching one of the senior cheerleaders show them the new routine. She was gay. But she was also smart (a few years later she would actually say incredibly dumb) and knew she would never climb the social ladder if she just came out as a lady lover. A year later her lack of attraction to men was starting to become obvious. She was probably the only virgin left in her circle of friends and people were asking questions. But everything in her life was calculated, and it wasn't like she didn't predict this would happen. So out of necessity a plan developed.

She had a friend. His name was Matt and they had been friends for years, but kind of in secret. In private they played video games and ate bad food every weekend. In public she was the future head cheerleader and he was the future quarterback and they were mildly familiar with each other. So she paused her game the next Saturday, turned to him and told him that she thought they should sleep together. Of course he agreed. She was hot. He was a boy.

In hindsight it was really weird. They scheduled it for the next Saturday. She scheduled the loss of her virginity. At least she didn't lose it to the highest bidder. A fact that, years later, would be one of the only things she could respect about the situation (and herself for causing said situation). But she thinks it probably went as well as it could have. He was excited. He took her on a date even though she said it wasn't necessary. He was sweet and gentle during and it clearly meant a lot more to him than it did to her. She didn't hate it. It didn't feel bad, she guessed. It wasn't magic and it kind of solidified that she really wished she could be in bed with a pretty girl. All soft and curves. When she went home that night she curled up in her bed and watched a movie. When she cried that night, she swore (even though she was the only person in the room) that it was because the ending of the movie had been sad.

The negative side effect was that she kind of lost her best friend. Things got weird after that when she didn't want to date him. So video game weekends went away and she spent a lot of time in her room alone on her computer, making up lies about college parties she would go to. She made the decision to sleep with exactly three more guys. All to prove a point. All made her retreat a little more inside of herself. By her senior year she was head cheerleader and it gave her a little more room to care less. Not that she was going to come out or anything. It wasn't worth the effort at that point. She was focused on college. Because that was a chance to start over.

Start over she did. When she met her roommate the first thing she said to her was "Hi. I'm Santana and I'm a lesbian." Done. Her roommate cocked an eyebrow at her and said ok. And that was it. It occurred to her at some point that week that she had no actual idea how to hit on women. She thought by the end of week one she would have at the very least made out with a girl already.

While things weren't going particularly well in that department, everything else was wonderful. She loved her classes. She was even making actual friends. So she could take the hit in the romance department because pretty much everything else was going perfect. Until she dropped that jumpdrive, which by the way, cost her an assignment. But it gained her a girlfriend, so ultimately, she thinks she won.

It happened because Brittany did call her. Not about that particular computer problem specifically. Brittany had thousands of computer problems. Many of them to do with her attempts at illegally downloading music, as she did little else with her computer. Girl didn't even have Facebook. They met up at a café halfway between both of their schools. Santana couldn't tell the entire time if Brittany was flirting with her or if that was just Brittany (probably both) but her confusion ended when she caught Brittany pouting. "What's wrong?"

"You're not flirting back. I thought for sure you were at least a bicorn." Santana would like to think that she immediately turned on the charm but that's not totally true. She mostly just blushed and started to stutter. "Oh you are. You're just shy. Cute." Brittany has read her better than anyone since day one.

She's thankful that Brittany had the whole flirting and first moves with girls thing on lock because if it weren't for her things might have never progressed the way they did, or as quickly. It was after going to see a movie that Santana kissed a girl for the first time, and she hadn't even known it was a date (even though she paid). They were just standing outside talking and Santana was trying her best not to dissolve into awkward when Brittany just brushed Santana's hair out of her face, bent over, and pressed their lips gently together. It wasn't the up against the wall making out that she had originally planned she'd be doing by now, it was better. It was sweet, and simple, and perfect. Exactly how a first kiss should be. When Brittany pulled away Santana was left with her lips still parted, eyes still closed. She hadn't even released a breath yet. She was a little worried it wasn't real. That she'd open her eyes and she would be somewhere else entirely and completely alone. But she licked her lips and that was definitely not her lip gloss. She slowly opened her eyes and all she could see was bright blue eyes twinkling back at her. "Welcome back." Brittany said. And before Santana could get embarrassed for her reaction, Brittany's lips were on hers again. And she was sure nothing could be better than this.

They had known each other for three weeks, and seen each other nearly every day when Brittany asked her if they were girlfriends. Santana hadn't thought about it. She didn't really do relationships but she couldn't walk away from this. This girl was quickly becoming the best friend she ever had and she wasn't sure she could live her whole life never kissing her again. So she smiled through her nerves, and nodded. Brittany's answering smile took her breath away.

Her inexperience wasn't something she bragged about, or let on to anyone really. She suspected Brittany knew. But maybe not. All they had really done up to this point was kissing. Lots and lots of kissing. And while in the beginning maybe Brittany had been the aggressor, it was much more balanced now. She had slept in Brittany's room a few times by now and was amazed at how much she loved cuddling. It was another aspect of being intimate with someone that she had never enjoyed. But with Brittany it was natural. It would have felt unnatural to not be curled around her somehow.

Brittany had asked Santana if she wanted to stay with her for the weekend because her roommate was going to be out of town. Of course she said yes. In making plans for the weekend Brittany told her that her friends were going to an 18+ gay club not far from her dorms. They could easily walk. Santana had never been to a gay club and was eager to go so she agreed. It was awkward for only a very short time before Brittany pulled Santana out onto the dance floor and that's when the rest of the world kind of faded away.

After an hour of dancing Santana was more turned on that she had ever been in her entire life. Brittany's body moved in a way that could not be explained with words. Brittany must having similar thoughts because she leaned down and whispered into Santana's ear "Want to walk back now?"

They left and walked quickly back to Brittany's dorm room stopping occasionally to kiss because being apart made them both feel a little empty right now. When they finally got back to Brittany's room, Santana felt herself being pushed up against the closed door. They made out for hours. Maybe minutes but it felt like hours. It was messy and passionate and Santana felt like this was going somewhere they hadn't been yet. She wanted it. She knew that. She was wet and unbelievably turned on. Brittany used her leg to nudge Santana's apart before pressing her firm thigh between her legs. Santana couldn't help but roll her hips a little before nerves stopped her in her track. "Want you." Brittany whispered in her ear before sucking on her earlobe making Santana clench the fabric of Brittany's dress that she had been gripping.

"I-I-Brit" She tried to form a coherent thought but Brittany's lips on her neck were extremely distracting. "Wait." Brittany stilled immediately and pulled back to look at Santana who was looking very embarrassed.

"What's wrong?"

"I've never done this. With a girl." Brittany nodded her head in understanding.

"Does that mean you want to stop?"

"No. I am just worried about not knowing what to do." Brittany smiled sweetly at her before pressing a kiss to her lips, and then kissing a trail down her jaw line to her neck.

"Just let me make you feel good." Santana nodded because she didn't trust herself with words. Brittany kissed her again. Slower. And started guiding her towards the bed. Santana felt Brittany toying with the hem of her dress before lifting it slowly. They parted for the brief moment that Brittany needed to pull Santana's dress off over her head. As soon as the dress hit the floor their lips reconnect. Brittany put her hands on Santana's waist and stroked the newly exposed skin she found there. Santana's breath hitched at the sensation. Before this had all started she briefly wondered if sex with Brittany would be like the other sex she had. They weren't very far into it and she could already tell that wasn't going to be the case at all.

Brittany ran her hands to the small of Santana's back and then up her spine and without even a pause had the clasp of Santana's bra undone. Brittany pulled back and took a small step back guiding the bra straps to the ground so that Santana stood in front of Brittany naked aside from her very revealing underwear. Santana started to get a little self conscious under Brittany's gaze. As she was just about to cross her arms over her chest she heard Brittany breathe out "You are the most beautiful girl I've ever seen."

Santana was trying to find a response but she had been rendered momentarily speechless. Which turned into several more moments of speechlessness when Brittany whipped her dress off revealing that she had not worn a bra that night. One step towards her and Brittany had closed the gap between them and their lips reconnect. Santana couldn't stop herself from moaning at the feeling of all the naked skin now pressed against her. She felt Brittany toying with the band of her underwear before those began to slide down as well. Santana helped them the rest of the way off and was now completely naked.

Brittany gently pushed against Santana's hips guiding her down to the bed. Santana was starting to get embarrassed by how wet she already was. Brittany guided her onto her back further on the bed so that she could lay down completely with Brittany straddling her stomach. Santana felt like all of her skin was on fire in the best way possible. Brittany's hands leaving even hotter trails as they moved around the skin she had exposed to her. Santana could feel her hips moving of their own volition. Brittany could feel it too. She separated their lips once again, and her lips formed a sexy smile. She lifted herself up and rearranged her legs so that she could press her thigh into Santana's center. Santana's eyes widened and she let out a half gasp half moan that made Brittany smile even bigger.

Santana couldn't even help as her hips sped up, now grinding against Brittany's thigh. Brittany placed her hands on her hips and held them down gently. "No rush San. It's better if you take your time." Santana nodded trying to figure out exactly how to slow down when everything felt like it needed to happen right this second or she would explode. But then Brittany kissed her, a slow kiss that drew Santana's very breath right out of her, effectively distracting her from the burning need. The languid kiss seemed to go on for hours. And as far as Santana was concerned, could go on for hours more. But Brittany pulled away and started to leave gentle kisses down her neck. Occasionally she would suck or bite spots but it never stopped being gentle.

Santana's skin had just started getting used to the contact and not jumping with every kiss when Brittany started to move lower. She stopped breathing for a brief second when the kisses transitioned from upper chest to her breasts. She hadn't ever done this with a guy. It felt to intimate. But now, it just felt perfect and amazing. "Your skin is so soft." Brittany spoke reverently as she continued to lay kisses all over her breasts, but never touching her nipples which is exactly what Santana wanted her to do. Santana wove her fingers through Brittany's silky blonde hair.

"Britt" she whined. She couldn't even be embarrassed by how needy she sounded. She needed more desperately. Brittany looked her in the eyes before bending down and taking Santana's hard nipple between her lips. She gasped at the shot of pleasure that burned through her body straight to her core. She tightened her grip on Brittany's hair ever so slightly, urging Brittany to keep going. After several moments Santana felt like she was going to explode. "Please." She whined again.

"Please what baby?" Santana tried to form the words but failed as Brittany's lips had been replaced by fingers which were now pinching her nipples lightly. "Tell me Santana."

"Touch me." Brittany responded by leaning up and kissing her on the lips again. Santana thought for a second that Brittany was going to continue teasing her.

"Are you sure?" Santana nodded, the moment suddenly seeming a little more weighted and important than it had when they first started kissing and Santana got the inkling that things might be going in this direction. Brittany pressed her palm against Santana's rib cage before slowly pushing it down lower and lower until Santana could feel the tips of her fingers moving lightly over the top of her sex. Santana felt like she'd die if Brittany didn't touch her harder. She urged her hips into Brittany's hand looking for a firmer touch.

Brittany took the hint and dipped her finger between her swollen folds. "So wet." Santana had been self conscious about just how wet she was. She could feel herself practically dripping. "I love that you get this wet for me." And Santana could tell she wasn't lying. Not if Brittany's flushed cheeks and lust blown pupils were any indication.

Her hips were moving in a rhythm with Brittany's fingers. It was slow and sensual and Santana could feel herself building even further. She would pull her finger slowly down, circle her center, and then slowly back up to circle her clit, never touching it, just circling. "More Britt" Santana breathed out.

Brittany leaned down and husked "Do you want to feel me inside of you?" Right into Santana's ear causing Santana to moan loudly. Brittany took that as a yes and when her fingers made the journey back down to her center, instead of circling, they pushed inside. Santana felt all the air leave her body at the feeling of finally getting exactly what she needed. She threw her arms around Brittany's neck and back pulling her closer. Needing her pressed against her.

Brittany waited for a few seconds, letting Santana adjust to the fullness. Occasionally curling her fingers slightly making Santana gasp. As soon as Santana's hold let up on her slightly she started to work her fingers in and out slowly. When Santana's hips started to move in time with her hand again she started to move faster, scissoring her fingers. Santana had her eyes screwed shut and her head thrown back. But then she heard Brittany say "it's better if you open your eyes." So Santana did. And immediately she found Brittany's blue eyes staring back at her. "I want to make you come." Brittany told her.

Santana just nodded dumbly. But her eyes said please. And her body said I'm almost there. So Brittany curled her fingers on every thrust hitting a spot inside Santana that made her dig her nails into Brittany's skin. She then felt Brittany's finger press gently into her clit before making tight, quick circles. "Fuck" Santana hissed as she buried her face into the crook of Brittany's neck. Her hips moving quicker in time with Brittany's hand. "Brittany" She moaned. Just when she thought that these feelings couldn't possibly get any better, she felt a third finger entering her. It stretched her in the most amazing way. The thrusting slowed considerably but the fullness more than made up for it. What felt like seconds later, Santana could feel her orgasm building.

"Come for me Santana. Let go baby." And Santana did. With a half scream, half growl she lifted her hips off the bed and pressed them as hard into Brittany's hand as she could. Brittany maneuvered her other arm underneath Santana and held her shaking body to her chest. Brittany continued to circle her clit helping her ride out the orgasm. When she felt her muscles stop clenching, Brittany pulled her fingers out and layed down on her side. She pulled Santana into her as tight as she could holding her with both arms and even throwing one of her long legs over Santana's hips. She was completely surrounded in Brittany. Santana had never liked cuddling. Never liked foreplay. Never liked intimacy. But with Brittany, everything felt amazing. Being held by Brittany after such an intense orgasm brought on a flood of emotions that Santana hadn't ever thought herself capable of.

She would like to say immediately after that she rolled Brittany over and showed her that her lack of experience meant nothing. But that's not true. The rest of the night was spent in Brittany's arms, with sweet things being whispered in her ear. It wasn't that she wasn't willing, but Brittany insisted that this night had been about her. Less than twenty-four hours later, however, she did just that. And Brittany told her that if she hadn't known she was the first girl Santana had slept with, she wouldn't have ever guessed. Which was pretty much the best compliment she had ever gotten.

Their relationship progressed beautifully. Santana learned so much about herself through Brittany and truly believed that Brittany made her a better person. They talked about the future often, moving to a big city where both of them could find good work. After a few months it just felt natural to assume that they'd be together forever. Santana had never met anyone, friend or otherwise, that she fit with like she did Brittany. Several times they had discussed moving in together but Brittany's scholarship paid for on campus housing at her school and there was no way she would be able to afford to live off campus.

That didn't stop her from practically living with Santana when she got her own apartment Junior year. While the idea of living with Brittany had been appealing for many reasons, the logistics of it made her nervous. What if spending that much time together stressed them out? What if always sleeping together made sex feel less special? But none of that happened. If anything, Brittany served as a wonderful distraction but they learned to work around that. Everything was amazing.

Unfortunately it didn't stay that way. Looking back some time later, Santana can pinpoint all of the events that caused, ultimately, the worst decision she had ever made in her entire life. It started out with a visit home to Brittany's family. Which they did often. They were good people. The only major fault Santana could really tell about them was that they got Brittany's hopes up a lot about things and then let her down. Usually always having to do with money. They would tell her they were going to come see her dance shows, and then never be able to afford it. Or they would tell Brittany they were getting her something she really wanted for Christmas or her Birthday and then they wouldn't be able to when the time came. Brittany swore she understood, but every single time Santana watched her girlfriend's face crumple in disappointment, she got angry.

On this particular visit, everything had gone just as it always had. They laughed a lot, Brittany teased her younger sister for her very obvious crush on Santana, they went to dive bars a few blocks away and drank with people Brittany had known her whole life, and slept on a bed that was way too small for two people. It was familiar and comfortable to her at this point. Something she'd been doing since just a few months after she and Brittany had started dating just over two years prior. It was the morning before they were supposed to leave and Santana and Brittany were eating breakfast with the rest of the Pierce family. Susan, Brittany's mother, made an off handed remark about how every time Brittany calls home, she is convinced it's to tell her that she and Santana are finally engaged. Santana nearly choked on her pancakes but otherwise laughed it off with the rest of them.

The second event came over Christmas break just a few weeks later. Brittany was with her family, and Santana was spending the week of Christmas with her mother before she drove to stay with Brittany for the rest of break. They had spent Christmas evening at one of her mother's friend's house. On their way back her mother asked how her life was. She had been there for three days and this was the first her mother had asked. Her mother didn't particularly understand Santana. They were extremely different people. It wasn't any one thing, she was fine with Santana being gay for example, they were just very different.

Santana told her mother that things were going well. That she was excited for next semester and getting to do an internship. But most of all she was excited to graduate. "Are you going to stay with Brittany once you leave?" Santana had been taken aback by the question, or more so, the way she asked it. She had sounded slightly aghast, like she didn't approve of the idea. Santana fumbled over her reply. "It's not that I don't support your relationship, I do. I just don't want you settling down just because you're comfortable. You know where that gets you. Isn't it weird that the first girl you date after coming out will be the last girl you date? I mean how do you even know she's the one? You have nothing to compare it to." Santana didn't even know how to respond to that. It reminded her of the way she used to think when she first got into college, before finding Brittany. "I didn't mean to upset you Santana. I just don't want you making the same mistakes I did." Santana nodded and tried to pretend her mother's words hadn't affected her as deeply as they had.

When she got to Brittany's a few days later she had buried the doubt and confusion that the conversation had left her with. She didn't want to bring it up to Brittany to talk it out because she wasn't sure exactly how Brittany would respond. She also wasn't sure why what her mother said had struck her so hard. They spent the rest of break together, and everything remained the same once they returned to school. Santana even managed to convince herself that the conversation had meant nothing. That she was over it. But every once in awhile, in the middle of the night or while studying for a particularly hard test, her brain would revisit it.

The third event, and ultimately the catalyst, happened just before spring break. She was in the library trying to study for a stupid history midterm. It was her last test before spring break. She was spending the break doing a job shadowing with a video game programmer in town and she was beyond excited, so she was having a hard time focusing anyway. Santana was just about to give up when someone walked up to her table. "Hey you're in my history class aren't you? Want a study buddy?" She looked up and saw a girl talking to her, cute, with long auburn hair and green eyes.

"Uh. Sure." The girl sat down and pulled her notebook out as well. Studying happened for about fifteen minutes before they just started talking about anything but history. Her name was Elizabeth and she was also a Junior. But she was an education major and history was her worst subject, Santana learned. It was nice to talk to someone who wasn't Brittany or one of her extremely nerdy classmates. The longer they talked the flirtier Elizabeth got. Santana didn't have a lot of practice with girls flirting with her as she was almost always with Brittany, and it was obvious they were together, but you would have had to have been completely oblivious to not pick up on the signals this girl was sending her. She knew she should have stopped her, or set her straight that she had a girlfriend, but it felt good to be so obviously wanted by someone who wasn't Brittany. Plus the girl was kind of pretty.

After two hours of literally no progress on their history midterms Elizabeth suggested maybe they ought to take this somewhere else, before winking at Santana. First of all she was not aware that people actually used that line. Second, she was ashamed and angry at herself for not immediately saying no, for letting it get to this point at all. "I really shouldn't. I promised my girlfriend I wouldn't be home to late."

"Girlfriend huh? Well that's too bad." Santana nodded because she wasn't exactly sure how to respond. "Well, see you at the midterm Santana." Elizabeth grabbed her stuff and as she walked past ran her fingers up Santana's arm making her shiver.

She didn't go right home. She took a long walk, stopped and had a drink, and took the extra long way home before walking into her apartment and seeing all of the lights off. She wondered if maybe Brittany was still out rehearsing, but then she remembered that she had definitely received a text saying she was home. Santana went back into the bedroom and was met with one of her favorite things.

Brittany was asleep on the bed, naked or mostly so as far as she could tell, with just the sheet draped over her waist. It had been unseasonably warm the past few days but Santana refused to turn on the air conditioning (it was only early March) so even with the windows open it was still kind of warm inside. Brittany was laying on her stomach with her head turned to the side and her hair splayed out on the pillow. Next to the bed were several ice packs. Santana frowned. Brittany's thigh muscle must be hurting her again. She felt guilty she hadn't been here to massage it for her. She felt even more guilty for the reason she hadn't been here. She sat down on the edge of the bed and ran her fingers down the dip of her back watching the muscles jump even though Brittany was completely asleep. She loved this girl. She knew that was true. She didn't, couldn't, question that fact. She felt guilty for even being slightly excited that someone else has flirted with her. She stood up and stripped her own clothes off, needing to feel as close as she could to Brittany. She got into bed and started to pull Brittany into her. Brittany woke up just enough to rotate, press her front into Santana, tangle their legs together, and press a kiss to her neck. "Love you so much San." She mumbled sleepily before her breathing evened out again.

"I love you too Brittany. I really do." She whispered, kissing the top of Brittany's head, before trying to force herself to sleep as well.

The next morning she went to her History class, afraid that things were going to be awkward between her and Elizabeth. She couldn't have been more wrong. Elizabeth smiled and waved at her as soon as she walked into the room and mouthed "good luck" before rolling her eyes making Santana laugh. The test wasn't as bad as she thought it would be, she finished it, turned it in and walked out of the classroom towards the front door. Before she got there she heard a voice calling her name, she turned around and Elizabeth was walking towards her. "How do you think you did?"

"Ok. I think I mixed up a few dates but whatever." Santana brushed off. Not wanting to brag that she had done way better than she thought walking in.

"Same. So I was thinking, are you going to be here over break?"

Santana was unsure as to where this was going. Elizabeth knew she had a girlfriend, but her tone was different today. Less flirty, more just friendly. She proceeded with caution. "Yep. But I am doing some job shadowing. So it's not so much a break for me."

"Same here actually. But, here let me give you my number." She pulled a pen and a scrap of paper out of her bag. "Just in case you want to get drinks or hang out or something." She handed Santana the piece of paper. "Hopefully I'll hear from you! But I've got to run to my next class!" Santana doesn't respond and shoved the piece of paper in her pocket and walked out of the door and to her car. She knew she should have thrown the paper away, and had no desire to think about why she didn't.

When she got back to the apartment she could hear Brittany in the bedroom. She didn't get to talk to her that morning because she had left before Santana woke up. She walked into the room and she could tell immediately that Brittany was in a bad mood. Brittany didn't even say anything to her, even after she had registered her presence. That wasn't an awesome sign. "Hey babe. What's wrong?" Santana bit the bullet.

"My partnering midterm went horribly. My partner wasn't there mentally and I was exhausted from waiting up for you last night."

"I was studying." Lie.

"You said you wouldn't be late!"

"Well fucking excuse me Brittany. It was more information than I thought it would be. And it's a good thing I studied as much as I did because that test was way harder than I expected." Lie.

"You didn't text me and let me know. You didn't answer my texts when I tried to figure out where you were. You know I hate when I can't get a hold of you at night Santana." Brittany continued to throw clothes in her bag as they yelled at each other.

"I don't know what you want me to say." She yelled at Brittany's back. Brittany was zipping up her suitcase and Santana knew she should try to fix this before Brittany left. She was in the wrong, she knew that. But the guilt was making her want to lash out even more. Brittany grabbed the suitcase and her purse.

"I don't know San. Maybe apologize?" The sarcastic tone set Santana off even more.

"Ok. Fine. I'm sorry I didn't get all of these alleged texts and phone calls, plus I shouldn't have to check in with you every fifteen minutes. I'm sorry you and your partner blew your midterm. I'm sorry you are in this foul ass mood that has fucking nothing to do with me Brittany." Lie. Hurtful. Lie. Brittany stopped and her face changed from angry to hurt quicker than Santana could blink.

"I have to leave. I'm going to miss my flight." The hurt in her voice broke Santana's heart.

"I know. I'll drive you. Let me put my shoes back on." Santana tried to be more gentle. She tried to fix it without actually admitting that she was a complete asshole.

"No. I don't want to be around you right now. I will take a cab. I'll call you when I can. Maybe try and figure out what's wrong before then." And then she was gone. No I love you. No hug. Nothing. Brittany hadn't left her without a hug since the day they met. Not once. Not even when she was in an extreme hurry. Santana felt the tears burn behind her eyes. She watched the door, expecting Brittany to come back through and apologize, and hug her, and tell her that she loved her. But nothing happened. She checked her phone, nothing.

She wasn't sure what to do with herself so she laid down on the couch. She hadn't slept well the night before and thought maybe a nap would clear her head. And it would mean she wasn't checking her phone every two seconds to see if Brittany had contacted her yet. She laid awake for a while, but did eventually doze off. She woke up to her phone ringing, she quickly grabbed it expecting it to be Brittany. But it was Puck.

"Yo. I'm not leaving till tomorrow, you want to go out tonight?" Was his greeting. The offer was almost tempting, might get her mind off of things, but she should really be available and sober when Brittany called.

"Nah. I'm exhausted. Late night studying last night. Have fun though." They said their goodbyes and hung up. Santana laid back against the arm of the couch and checked to make sure she hadn't missed a call or text. Brittany should definitely have arrived there by now but she hadn't texted Santana to let her know. Which was a rule they had. Santana was starting to get frustrated. Why should she feel bad when Brittany wasn't even trying to get a hold of her? Brittany was the one that left angry. Plus it really wasn't her fault that the midterm didn't go well.

After an hour of no contact from Brittany, and sitting there trying to justify the way she treated her, she let her anger get the better of her. She reached into her pocket and pulled out Elizabeth's number.

To Elizabeth: Hey. It's Santana. Interested in hanging out tonight?

The second she sent the text she felt guilty again. But she told herself she shouldn't. It's just a friend. That's all. After just a few minutes she received a reply.

From Elizabeth: Definitely. Meet up at Crew? I think there's a show tonight.

To Elizabeth: Yes. See you soon.

Santana went into her bedroom to get ready and was hit with the combined scent of her and Brittany. She did her best to ignore the way it made her feel and went about getting dressed.

Hanging out with Elizabeth was fun. It was uncomplicated and she was just an easy person to be around. After a few drinks friendly Elizabeth was gone and flirty Elizabeth was back. Santana did nothing to discourage her. Around midnight Santana felt her phone vibrating in her pocket. She pulled it out and saw that she had an incoming call from Brittany. She went outside to answer it.

"Hello." She answered shortly.

"San I'm really sorry I didn't text you when I got off the plane. My phone died and I forgot to pack my charger." That absolutely sounded like something Brittany would do. But Santana was tipsy and frustrated with everything that had happened today.

"Ok."

"Ok. So do you want to talk about earlier today now?"

"Can't. I'm out with a friend."

"Oh." Heartbreak voice again. "Ok I guess."

"You guess?"

"I just thought we were going to talk tonight."

"Not everything works on your schedule Brittany." That was uncalled for and Santana knew it the second she said it.

"Well I guess call me when it works for your schedule." Brittany snapped back and hung up the phone. Santana hated being hung up on. More than anything that frustrated her. She stormed back into the bar and ordered two shots. One for her, one for Elizabeth.

Nothing happened that night. Nothing happened over all of spring break, not really. She hung out with Elizabeth a few more times. While sober it felt awkward because flirty Elizabeth was apparently here to stay. But they hung out at the bar a few more times and that was great. Santana had called Brittany the next day ready to apologize. Brittany accepted, even apologized herself, which made Santana sad because Brittany really hadn't done anything. They didn't really talk about what had happened, Brittany asked if it would be ok if they talked when she got back. But they talked almost every night after that. At night Santana would lay there alone thinking about everything her mom had said, and about the past few days with Elizabeth. How it surprised her that she could be intrigued by a girl that wasn't Brittany. Maybe this wasn't a forever kind of thing? What if she was making a mistake? She made herself sick thinking about it. She thought about it so much that she was concerned she had made a bad impression on the people she was job shadowing. She thought about it so much that she would do just about anything to be able to refocus her mind on anything else. Which is where she was when Brittany came home.

She picked her up from the airport and brought her back to the apartment. She was silent the entire time, which was easy, because Brittany had a lot to say. But that didn't mean Brittany hadn't notice. After they had been home for a while and were sitting in the living room Brittany brought it up. "You're quiet. Is everything ok?"

"Yeah. Just distracted I guess."

"Is it because of what happened before I left?" Santana didn't know what to say. Sort of. Indirectly yes. Maybe even directly. They wouldn't fight like that if they were supposed to spend forever together. Would they?

"I don't know. Maybe. I've got a lot on my mind."

"Well let's talk about it sweetie." Brittany answered gently.

"I don't know what to say."

"Just tell me what you feel." Santana didn't reply. "Please San. You're making me nervous." Santana's reluctance was obvious. And Brittany kept pushing.

"Fine. Fine. I'll tell you. I think we need to take a break." That wasn't at all what she had meant to say. Obviously she had thought about it. But that was in no way a solid conclusion.

"Wait. What?" Santana took a second to think about her response. Maybe she did want a break. Maybe that would be what was best for them.

"I think we need to take a break from our relationship." She watched heartbreak register on Brittany's face.

"Santana is this about someone else?" And all Santana heard was Did you cheat on me? Santana's anger flared. No. She hadn't, even though she had every opportunity, she didn't.

"I didn't cheat on you Brittany. And the fact that that is the first conclusion you jump to is proof that we need this." She snapped back. Even though that's not what Brittany had asked. Brittany managed to look even more hurt which almost crumbled Santana's completely unjustified resolve.

"What do you mean by break? Like a break up?"

"Unofficially. I guess." Santana didn't even know what she meant by that. How could Brittany? She was just making this worse and worse but it was like she was on a runaway train and had no way to stop it, or jump off.

"Unofficially? This feels kind of official Santana."

"If that's how you see it, I can't help what you think." Brittany broke then and tears started to flow out of her eyes. Santana had never made Brittany cry. Not once. The memory would stay with her for the rest of her life.

"Ok." Brittany got up and grabbed her suitcase and put her shoes back on. She wanted to ask where Brittany was going. She wanted to hug her and apologize. But hadn't she said it all for a reason? Doesn't everything happen for a reason? She was starting to panic though. Losing Brittany for real wasn't an option. Because she wasn't just her girlfriend (and the love of her life), she was her best friend.

"I still want to be friends." Brittany gave her a look that clearly said are you kidding me? And Santana sent her a pleading one in return.

"Sure." Brittany answered as she turned back around and walked out of the apartment.

It wasn't instant regret. Maybe if it had been, she would have gotten up and begged Brittany to take her back right then and there. At first it felt a little like relief and being swallowed in flames at the same time. Her entire body was hot and uncomfortable. But she had done something. And that was the first step to getting rid of all of the uncomfortable feelings she had been having this past week, right?

The regret came at about four in the morning when she couldn't ignore the pain any more. She reached for Brittany's pillow, but because Brittany hadn't slept on it in over a week, the scent had faded dramatically. She clutched it to her chest and the tears came. She got up and went to the couch thinking somehow that would be easier than the bed. It wasn't. Another hour later and she was ready to call Brittany. Except that it was five in the morning and she really didn't want to wake her up if she was sleeping. So she suffered through it.

By eight, be it sleep deprivation, or a lapse in judgement, she called her mother.

"You're awake early." Maribel answered.

"Mom I broke up with Brittany." She cried into the phone.

"You did?"

"Yeah. It was really stupid." She hiccupped out. Trying to regain control of her voice and breathing.

"Why did you do it?"

"Because I was scared of settling down with the first person I loved."

"That's not stupid Santana. How many people are still with their first love? Almost none."

"But it hurts so bad Mom. I feel like I can't breathe."

"Of course it hurts Santana, this is completely normal. But give it some time. That will fade." Santana doubted the pain she was currently experiencing would ever fade. But it was the only thing she had to hold on to right now. Her mother stayed on the phone with her for a little while longer, convincing her that she had done the right thing. Her logic was similar to Santana's last night. If she did it, there must be a reason.

After a few days passed Santana could hardly say she felt better. She definitely felt numb though. Which, in some ways, was better. She had sent Brittany several texts asking if she was ok. If she wanted to talk. In the beginning she had kind of hoped that Brittany would beg her to take her back. That would be the sign she needed to know she had done the wrong thing. But Brittany didn't beg. In fact, all of her text responses said something along the lines of her not being ready to talk yet. So Santana did her best to let Brittany go.

Finally about a month later she got a text from Brittany asking if she could come get the rest of her stuff. Santana agreed even though the idea of Brittany moving completely out made her now, extremely numb, heart hurt just a tiny bit. But Brittany showed up, and she was still Brittany, still beautiful. Not bubbly. Not that version of Brittany. This one was sad, and quiet, and careful. She walked around the apartment clearly avoiding touching things that weren't hers. She grabbed the things that were, including a box labeled "important stuff" out of the closet. Santana wondered if she would throw some of that away when she got home. Some of their love letters were in there along with other important things like her passport and check books. It was a mixture of important things. Brittany barely said anything to her the entire time. Santana hated that.

"Britt we should have lunch sometime. We said we would be friends." Brittany studied her for a minute. She looked almost annoyed.

"I don't think I can be near you and not with you Santana. I'm sorry." And that was it. She didn't wait for a response from Santana, she just walked out. Santana's heart broke all over again. She knew she shouldn't be mad at Brittany. She had brought this all on herself. But she was sick of being mad at herself, and since Brittany clearly wanted nothing more to do with her, well then Brittany was an easier target for her anger. Either way she needed to do something about all of this bad she had been feeling. She broke up with Brittany for a reason right? She needed to figure out what it was.

On the surface the reason could almost (almost because obviously there was no good reason) be construed as Santana feeling like she needed to explore other options. So maybe she should do some exploring. She had hung out with Elizabeth a few times since the break up. When she found out about it, she had turned the flirting up a few notches. They had even almost kissed a few times. Their "hanging out" felt a lot like dates even. So maybe that's what Santana needed. She called Elizabeth up and asked if she wanted to go out that night. Elizabeth agreed and they figured out the details of meeting up.

Santana dressed up more than she would have if she was going out for drinks with a friend. Her intentions were obvious. Elizabeth obviously picked up on it because things were different. Mutually flirty even though Santana was a little awkward about it. They drank a lot. Not enough that Santana could blame what she did on the alcohol, but enough that she had the courage to go through with it. A little before last call Elizabeth asked Santana if she wanted to go home with her. Santana said yes even though she knew she shouldn't. They paid their tabs and left. The cab ride was awkward but not awkward enough that it made either of them reconsider what they were about to do.

Santana slept with someone for the first time since meeting Brittany that night. At some point during the kissing she convinced herself that because she was gay, and Elizabeth was a girl, she was bound to enjoy this at least a little bit. She wasn't wrong. On the very surface it felt good. She didn't orgasm, but Elizabeth did. But it still felt good. Just below the surface she felt something break, and a whole lot of truth flood in. She had made a huge mistake.

She didn't stay the night. She left a note telling Elizabeth that she's sorry she had to go. That it's not about her. And that she deserves someone who isn't in love with another girl. And that was the first time that Santana had admitted to herself since the day after she broke up with Brittany that she did in fact love her. She wanted to call right away. She wanted to show up at Brittany's dorm that night and tell her everything. But Brittany deserved better than that. She didn't deserve Santana showing up after having just slept with another girl. She also felt like she owed it to Brittany to think about this. To be positive. To figure out why she had done what she did and to be able to promise it won't ever happen again. She also didn't want to disrupt Brittany's life right now. She knew she was busy, the end of the year dance show was coming up and Brittany didn't need anything to distract her from that.

So Santana waited. She wrote pages and pages of thoughts down to help her map out everything that had happened and perhaps why it had. She did the most intense self evaluating she had ever done. She worked on it so much she nearly failed two of her finals. She also went to Brittany's dance concert. Watching her dance just reaffirmed that she was the biggest idiot on the planet. Anyone that could let that girl go was.

Two weeks after the dance concert, and a little over a week after the semester had ended Santana called Brittany. She didn't pick up which Santana expected, so she left her a voice mail. She waited a few days before sending a text, no response. She was a little disheartened. But she understood why Brittany wouldn't want to talk to her. But she had to keep trying. She called and left another voice mail and swore that would be the last time she'd call. She would figure out another method if Brittany didn't call back. But by the end of May, she still hadn't heard from Brittany. She still hadn't figured out what her next step was either. So she figured calling once more couldn't hurt. Except this time it told her that the phone number had been disconnected.

Santana was hurt that Brittany would change her number without telling her. Or at least letting her know she didn't want to speak to Santana. Anything. A few days later she had decided that she was going to go to Brittany's parent's house, where she was sure Brittany was, and force her to at least listen to what she had to say.

She thought she was going to puke the entire drive down. She tried to distract herself with music and books on cd but nothing helped. She finally arrived and felt that boost of courage you can only get from a now or never type of situation. She got out of the car, and walked to the door. She knocked and waited. When the door opened for a brief second she thought it was Brittany, but it was just her little sister Emily. "I need to talk to Brittany. I know she probably doesn't want to talk to me, but it's important."

"You're right. She doesn't want to talk to you. But even if she did, she couldn't right now." Emily replied with as much attitude as Santana had ever heard come out of her.

"What do you mean?"

"She's gone. She went to France for the rest of the summer and all of next year. It's a thing her school does with the best students."

"How come I never heard of this?" She figured Brittany would have at least mentioned it.

"She wasn't going to go because she didn't want to leave you. But when you broke her heart, she begged her professors and I guess they said yes." Emily shrugged.

"Oh. Does she have a phone?" Santana's voice cracked. She was about to lose it any second. She was barely holding back the tears.

"I don't think she would want me to give you that information. I'll tell her you stopped by and that she should give you a call." Santana nodded and tried to say thank you but an awkward squeak came out. She turned around and walked back to the car.

She cried for twenty minutes before she even had the strength to turn the car on and start back up to school. When she got home, even though it was still light out, she collapsed onto the couch that had been her bed since the break up, and cried herself to sleep.

When she woke up the next morning she felt a little clearer. Emily would talk to Brittany. And Brittany would call. Maybe not right away. But at some point she would call. And if Santana needed to, if Brittany would allow her, she would fly to France that day and fix this. Whatever she needed to do.

So she waited for the call.

And waited.

For months, she waited.

But the call never came.

And eventually all hope fades away.

* * *

Comments? Questions?


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: **More set up. Some plot progression.

Thank you to my beta. Next update should be out quicker.

* * *

Santana's life is currently everything she had ever wanted when she was seventeen. She's twenty-five and living on her own in New York City. She has a nice two bedroom apartment in Brooklyn. She's financially stable and working her dream job pretty much. She's a game programmer for a major video game company and there isn't honestly anything she would rather be doing. Well, she'd rather be the boss. But she understands that takes time so for now, she's happy. It's a male dominated field, for sure. But for the most part she's treated pretty well. When she first started there was a lot of leering and she quickly learned that for her own comfort the less cleavage she showed the easier her conversations were.

The only people she still actually talks to from her life before NYC is her roommate from freshman year Quinn and her boyfriend Mike. Mike was one of Brittany's best friends in school, and he met Quinn through them and they had been on and off for the first few years but now they were most definitely on.

While life is currently everything she had ever wanted when she was seventeen, it isn't everything she's ever wanted since she met Brittany. Because that's really the only aspect that's missing. There isn't a day that goes by that she doesn't think about Brittany. At first it was a stabbing pain. But after a year or so it dulled to a slow ache. She thought moving to NYC and making all of these dreams she had for herself come true would maybe take away the ache, but apparently this is as good as it's going to get. A slow, dull, nearly constant reminder.

She couldn't look at another girl for the rest of her time in college. She went on one date and ended up in the bathroom after only half an hour because she couldn't handle it anymore. Once she got into the bathroom she took one look in the mirror and started sobbing. She left the date making some excuse about how her mother had called and told her that the family cat had died. She didn't even own a cat.

Since then she hasn't even really tried the whole dating and getting to know girls thing. But that doesn't mean she doesn't get lonely. And once she moved to New York she changed her approach altogether. She meets a girl, usually at a bar or a club (but once a Starbucks and once a grocery store), takes them home, sleeps with them, and then rarely ever sees them again.

The first few times she regretted it. She didn't like the way she felt the next day. The sex itself wasn't all that satisfying. And ultimately it just left her hurting and wanting Brittany. She would stop for a while but eventually she would get lonely and the process would start over again. She still regrets it sometimes.

She regrets it most when the other girl clearly isn't on the same page as her. It starts off fine. She's always upfront about the way she operates. First names, no phone numbers, no dating. But sometimes girls think they are the exception, that they can change her. But she's had her exception, and she ruined it. But even though she's upfront, she still feels bad when they look t her like that when she says she still doesn't want to exchange phone numbers.

Of course those are the girls that she would run into several times afterwards. Every time they'd look at her like she was something they had to get over. And she wanted to be mad at them because she was honest, and upfront. But she's not a terrible fucking person so mostly she just feels bad. Sometimes she would try to talk to them again, explain that it wasn't them, she's just kind of a mess of a person emotionally, and that she's sure they're great. Usually that made it worse. Sometimes girls would be grateful for the apology. For a long time she would try not to go back to the bars she would run into them at, but then that meant she had no bars to go to and she figured that she made this bed so…well, you get it.

Eventually she got better at knowing when girls meant it when they said it was ok that she wasn't looking for anything serious (or at all really). It took a while, because it wasn't like this was happening every weekend. Most of the time the bad feelings and regret kept her from taking girls home, but every once in a while the loneliness hurt, and she'd drink, and then she'd be in some girls bed.

A couple of times it turned into a friends with benefits situation. When she found someone that was truly on the same page as her. One of her good friends Sugar, that's how their relationship started out. They'd drink, sleep together, and then wake up and go shopping. Sometimes they would just hang out and not sleep together. Neither had any romantic inclinations towards the other, and it worked.

Santana would drink when she went out, but she would rarely ever get very drunk. Every time she would, she'd end up sobbing on the phone to Quinn or Mike, whoever would pick up first. So she avoided getting too drunk as a general practice.

She hadn't heard from Brittany since that day in her apartment. She had kept up vaguely with how she had been doing in the past several years. Mike still talked to her on a regular basis, and has even worked with her a few times on various projects. She's living in Chicago, and is happy and doing well as far as Santana knows (which is as far as Mike knows). Quinn used to encourage Santana to magically be around sometime when Brittany was coming to visit but Santana couldn't do that. She couldn't do it to herself, but mostly she couldn't do it to Brittany. Santana had made her mistakes, and Brittany had made her decisions. Seeing her would probably only make it hurt worse all over again anyway.

She has friends here too. Other than Sugar that is. Most of them are from work. Sam and Puck are the guys she hangs out with the most. Puck used to hit on her all the time, but now both of the boys treat her like their little sister so it's nice. She doesn't have any siblings and rarely ever talks to either of her parents anymore, so having people where she is that treat her like family is important.

Most of the time they sit around at one of their apartments and play videogames, or watch movies. They go out to the bar, and they even humor her by going to lesbian bars which she appreciates even if she doesn't tell them unless she's already had a few drinks.

There is also Mercedes. She lives next door and sings backup for a lot of big music artists. She's trying to get a solo career but in the meantime, singing backup isn't a bad gig she says. Sometimes she goes off on tours and Santana keeps an eye on her apartment. She's always nice, but sassy, and Santana likes that. They went to a karaoke bar once with a few other girls that she knows from work. Santana had been reluctant to go, she doesn't like to sing in front of people really, but Mercedes insisted. After a few drinks she was much more willing to make a total ass out of herself in front of all of these people. So she got up there, and sang the song Valerie by Amy Winehouse. And apparently, much to her surprise, didn't make an ass out of herself. She had no idea why, but they all seemed kind of impressed and by time they had gotten back to their apartment building Mercedes was insisting they had to do that again.

But her best friend is named Marshmallow. Which is stupid name, she gets it but whatever. One night when she had gotten home late from her first game release party she walked into her apartment and was hit with a terrible smell. She forgot she had thrown away a bunch of stuff that went bad in the fridge but never took the garbage out. So even though it was two in the morning she took the damn garbage out so she wouldn't have to deal with the smell. When she got outside she noticed next to the garbage, there was a pretty big box with a Jet Puff Marshmallow logo on it. She threw her bag in the dumpster and was walking back when the box moved and she heard a little sound.

At first she was convinced it was a rat, and hell no was she dealing with that. So she took a few steps further and couldn't stop herself from thinking. What if, by some crazy fucking chance, it was a baby or something? She had to check. She went over, pulled the box flap open, and jumped back incase a huge rat jumped out. When nothing jumped out, she walked back over and looked into the box. It wasn't a baby, or a rat, but a puppy. It didn't have any tags and was super skinny. Santana couldn't just leave it out here in a box. It was cold. And even though she tells everyone she hates animals, she doesn't really hate anything.

So she reached into the box, pulled the puppy out, and held the dirty little thing against the most expensive dress she ever owned. But as soon as it cuddled against her she forgot about the dress and took it inside. When she got into the apartment she dug through her fridge and pulled out some things she thought it would be ok for it to eat. She put it into a bowl and got the puppy some water and took it to her bathroom. She made sure it was warm in there, and made it a bed in the corner with fluffy towels. She would call the shelter in the morning.

In the morning when she woke out she took the puppy into an area at the side of her building where she could block it from running away, but it was still outside so he could go to the bathroom. She shouldn't have worried though, it barely left her side. It walked far enough away to go to the bathroom and then walked right back over and laid on her feet. She took him back upstairs and called the shelter. But everywhere she called was full. Or they said they would call her back on Monday.

She went to the nearest store and bought what she'd need for the rest of the weekend. A little bag of puppy food, and a collar and leash just incase the puppy started to get adventurous. When she got back to her apartment she took him back out of the bathroom and put the little collar on.

She googled how to tell if it was a boy or girl, but as far as she could tell it was neither. Maybe a boy? She kept referring to the puppy as "it" because she didn't want to give it any sort of complex. She started calling it Marshmallow because "puppy" felt a little rude. Marshmallow wasn't the perfect name either. It wasn't fluffy or white. It was kind of grey with floppy ears and blue eyes. But she found the puppy in a Marshmallow box, and she didn't know exactly how else you name a puppy.

Monday came and went but none of the shelters called. She was starting to feel bad about making Marshmallow spend so much time in the bathroom but she didn't really know what else to do. Marshmallow was really dirty but she didn't want to give it a bath in case she might hurt it or something. So finally she broke down and took the puppy to a groomer who confirmed that the puppy was in fact a he. Marshmallow then got a bath, a toy, some more food, and they went back to Santana's apartment. She still didn't let him in the bed or on the furniture but it wasn't like she owned a lot of stuff. As long as she shut the door to her bedroom and office (video game mega room) he could hang out in the rest of the apartment. Which made her feel less bad leaving him all day when she went to work. He had a few accidents but for the most part, seemed to be very well behaved.

The next Wednesday a shelter called and said they had space for another dog if she wanted to bring him down. So she put the few toys, his blanket, and the rest of his food into her car and took him down to the shelter. When she got there she immediately didn't like the look of the place and didn't even take him inside. They drove away, and the dog was there to stay. She tried changing his name after that, to something less stupid, but the damage was done and Marshmallow refused to answer to anything else.

She took him to the vet a few days later and got all of his puppy shots and a general check up. The vet said he seemed happy and healthy, if a little underweight, but that would improve as long as he was eating regularly. She had tried to do research on dog breeds, but didn't really have any base knowledge of where to start, so she asked the vet if he could tell. He said it was hard to tell for sure but that he looked like a Great Dane, or at least that was what he was going to look like even if he was a mixed breed. "Those are pretty big dogs huh?" Santana asked.

"Yeah. Pretty big." The vet laughed.

On the way home they stopped at a pet store and got him a tag with his name and her phone number on it, and a new lime green collar and leash. She got him several new toys, real dog food bowls, and puppy food that the vet had recommended to get his weight caught up. She also got a book that was specifically about Great Danes. She liked to be informed.

The book was informative. But she was mostly shocked. He was going to be bigger than her. And two years later, he was every bit as big as the book had said he would get. But she loved him, and he meant that she could take walks at night and go jogging without worrying. That whole no furniture or bed rule went out the window pretty quickly. But she was lucky. He never chewed anything except for one pair of admittedly ugly shoes. He had good taste. He rarely had accidents as a puppy, and hadn't since he was about six months and got fixed. He played well with others at the dog park but was mostly interested in playing with Santana. Marshmallow was her best friend, and eventually she even got used to his stupid name.

It's currently late March and this time of year is always hardest for her, for obvious reasons. This was the time of year she had made the worst mistake of her life and broke up with Brittany. How she dealt with these feelings would change each year. Sometimes it made her turn into a recluse. Last year she realized she hadn't spoke to another human outside of work in two weeks. This year she decided to try not to think about it. Go to work. Play with Marshmallow. Hang out with Mercedes, hang out with the boys, go to the bar if she wanted. It was working, for the most part. It wasn't like she didn't think about it at all but at least she wasn't being destructive.

She decided she wanted to go to the bar on Saturday night. Everyone already had plans so she went to one of her favorite haunts on her own. One of the bartenders had posted on her Facebook wall that he missed her and she should come hang out tonight, so she figured it was a sign. Or an excuse. Whatever.

She got there and things were fine. It wasn't very crowded so she got a seat at the bar and was just talking to Blaine the bartender whenever he wasn't serving other people drinks. She liked him. He was charming and easy to talk to. But because it was slow, and it was Blaine making drinks, she was drunk quicker than she had intended on getting.

Blaine was in the middle of telling her about this new boy he had met when he had to walk away and make someone a drink. Santana watched him go, and her eyes landed on a tall blonde at the other side of the bar. Her breath caught and she almost vomited because for a half second she was positive it was Brittany. But then the girl turned towards her and it definitely wasn't Brittany. She was cute, familiar even. But not Brittany. The girl winked at her and Santana smiled what she hoped was a sexy smile, but she was a little too drunk to be sure and turned back to her drink.

After she finished her drinks she decided it was time to go home. She was way more drunk than she wanted to be right now and she kind of just wanted to watch Top Chef with Marshmallow. When she got up and wobbled a little bit she knew it was definitely time. So she went to the bathroom and was about to walk towards the door to leave when the blonde girl from earlier stepped into her path. Santana smiled at her, her vision wavering a bit, and the blonde girl took another step closer and smiled. Maybe plans would be changing tonight, she thought drunkenly. The girl grabbed her arm and pulled her closer to the wall in a dark corner and pushed her up against it. Instantly their lips were locked in a heated, messy make out session. Santana wasted no time running her hands all over the girls body, cupping her breast over the girls shirt and massaging it.

When they parted for air Santana looked at the girls face again. In the dim light she could tell she had seen this girl before but could not place it. "What's your name? " She asks, hoping it doesn't come out slurred.

"Emily." The girl smirked. And that smirk. That smirk… and those eyes.

"Oh my God. Emily Pierce?!"

Santana is going to puke. She doesn't know how she didn't see it. Maybe it's because she's fucking wasted, but she's going to puke. She runs past Emily and back into the bathroom. She almost hopes Emily will disappear. Then maybe Santana can pretend that didn't happen. Her stomach empties its contents into the toilet and she keeps going. She kissed Emily Pierce. Brittany's little sister. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

At some point she registers the door opening and her stall opening because apparently on top of everything else she forgot to lock it. But she's still losing the content of her stomach so she doesn't look back. Her hair is pulled away from her face and a hand is rubbing circles into her back. She hears Emily telling her "It's ok" in a soothing voice and she wants to push her way because it's not fucking ok. But she doesn't push her away, she just keeps throwing up, hoping this night will end. That she will wake up either having never been here at all, or in bed incredibly hung over and it was all just a terrible dream.

Eventually she stops throwing up. There's no alcohol left in her stomach and she leans back and slouches against the wall wiping her mouth on her sleeve. "I didn't know you were that drunk."

"Go away Emily."

"Or was it kissing me? I wasn't that bad was I?" Emily fakes concern before laughing.

"Stop it. Just stop. That was a fucking mistake."

"I figured you'd think that. But I had to try didn't I? I mean I've had a crush on you since I was like fifteen. Barring that whole you breaking my sister's heart thing."

"Emily. I'm serious. Shut the fuck up. I can't deal with this right now."

"You're right. That was mean. Let me help you home." Santana doesn't even have any energy to protest as Emily helps her up and they walk out of the bar.

It's drizzling slightly outside, and a combination of that along with the chilly air and the throwing up sobers Santana up considerably. She takes a minute to think through how weird this situation is. "Why are you here Em?" She asks, exasperated.

"I just transferred to NYU at the beginning of the semester." Emily answered.

"That's great. That was something you always wanted." Santana could remember telling Emily stories about the times she got to visit New York City with her mom when she was younger. Emily had wanted to move to the city as long as Santana had known her.

"Yep." Emily popped her mouth.

"So what, are you staying in the dorms there or something?"

"Well, not exactly. My tuition is covered with a scholarship. But Mom and Dad were going to pay my room and board." Santana already had a feeling where this was going. The Pierce's were good people. Unfortunately they promised a lot of things to their girls they could not deliver. Santana had dealt with that often when she was with Brittany. But this was on an entirely new level. "I had enough money in my bank account to make payments for a while but I kind of ran out of money."

They had made it back to Santana's apartment building. She wasn't sure if she should tell Emily to go or invite her up. She figured it was late and she didn't want her walking around by herself, especially if she didn't have any money. "Are you staying with a friend?"

"I'm pretty much couch surfing right now."

"Oh. That sucks." Santana didn't know what else to say. She still hadn't quite figured out what Emily was looking for.

"Definitely. So I was wondering, if maybe" Emily took a step closer towards her "I could stay with you tonight?" She asked sweetly running a finger down her arm.

Santana slapped her hand away. "You can stay." Emily smirked at her. "On the fucking couch Emily."

"Where else would I stay?" Emily joked. "Oh with you? No way. Gross." Santana shook her head.

"I hope you like dogs." She told Emily as she unlocked her door. Marshmallow greeted them as soon as she pushed the door open.

"That's not a dog! It's a fucking horse!"

"Shut up he's sensitive about his size." Santana hisses at her while rubbing Marshmallows ears. "Aren't you boy?" He positions himself between her and Emily staring Emily down. "He's also a little protective." Santana smiles.

"He's going to eat me while I sleep."

"Maybe squirt. That's the risk you take staying here for the night." It almost shocks Santana, and by the look on her face, Emily too, how easily she falls back into one of her old nicknames for her.

"I'm taller than you now."

"Whatever. How old are you now anyway? Are you even allowed in a bar?" She asks while getting two bottles of water out of the fridge.

"Twenty-one. Don't be an asshole. You know how old I am." She accepts the bottle of water and quickly takes a step back noticing the look the dog is giving her. "What's his name? Killer? Tank?"

"Marshmallow." Santana mumbles. Emily laughs loudly.

"Really Santana? You have a horse named Marshmallow living in your apartment?" Santana turns back to glare at her but can't help the smile because it is a little funny.

"I'm going to bed. I'll get you stuff to change in. You can sleep on the couch out here if you want. He usually sleeps in my room. If you want to take a shower or something everything you need is in the bathroom in the hallway." Emily nods. Santana goes back into her bedroom and gets her something to sleep in and brings it back out to the living room where she finds Emily looking at the things on her wall.

"Thank you. Really. I'm sorry about tonight."

"Don't. We'll talk about it tomorrow. Have a good night." She doesn't really wait for a response. Just goes back into her bedroom, immediately strips down and gets into her shower. It's surreal. Talking to Emily, having her here. She's not sure if she's ok with it yet but it's not like she's staying. And it's not like it means anything. She gets out of the shower and gets dressed crawling into bed next to an already sprawled out Marshmallow. She kicks and pushes him as hard as she can but he barely moves at all. As soon as she stops he gives her a look and gets up and moves over to give her more room.

She lays there for a few minutes and can hear Emily moving around in the living room or bathroom and it's unsettling. She picks up the remote off of the side table and turns the T.V. on. She opens up the DVR menu. "Top Chef?" She says out loud to herself (but really Marshmallow) before selecting it and laying back down. Cuddled up to her dog and watching her favorite show. Trying not to think about tonight and how it makes her feel, she eventually falls asleep.

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**AN2:** Follow me on tumblr for pictures of Marshmallow. 3 I love him.

klikeszombies . tumblr . com


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: **Enjoy. Thanks to the beta. Please, as always, let me know what you think. Writing is so much more fun that way.

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Santana wakes up the next morning feeling a little she had swallowed a lot of sand. She groaned at her annoyance of being up so early, but was glad she had remembered to put the blinds down. She had thrown up most of the alcohol she drank last night at the bar so her hangover isn't terrible. But whatever residual alcohol she had left in her, plus very little sleep, means Santana has an extreme headache.

She lays there as long as she's allowed to. That is to say, as long as Marshmallow will allow her to before telling her that he would like to go outside. Which comes in the form of nudges to her side, and then after she ignores him, to her arms and then eventually he just starts nudging the side of her head. She wants to push him away and tell him to stop but she can't help but crack a smile, his persistence is kind of funny.

After rolling out of bed and throwing on some sweats, and heads into the living room followed by Marshmallow. She grabs his leash off of the hook by the door and turns around to attach it to him when she notices that he's watching Emily on the couch with a look that she is pretty sure is disdain. That's his couch. At least he thinks that is his couch. "It's ok buddy. It's only one night." She rubs his ear before hooking the leash to his collar and opening up the door.

She had only intended to take him outside, but once they were there she discovered it was kind of nice so she took him on an impromptu trip to the dog park down on the next block. Once they got there and were inside with the gates closed she unhooked him. She kind of already knew that he wasn't going to run off and play like the other dogs. Even when he didn't have to he stayed close to Santana. He wasn't the best at making friends, they had that in common. So she rubbed his belly when he flopped down next to her and decided they'd just stay for a bit.

Five minutes into their visit a man approached Santana. He looked harmless enough as he sat down on the bench next to her. Marshmallow apparently disagreed as he immediately put himself in between the two of them. Which was fairly common behavior. He nudged her hand, which usually meant he wanted to be pet, so she did as the stranger tried to make small talk. Santana wasn't blind, she had seen him check her out and knew what his agenda was. So when he started making comments about her dog being bigger than she was. And don't pretty girls usually own little lap dogs? She just ignored him. Between her cold and short replies, and Marshmallows obvious disapproval, he left pretty quickly.

They didn't stick around long after that before they went back to the apartment. On the ride back she thought about how possessive Marshmallow was, but he wasn't usually ever aggressive. Which she was thankful for. He was just picky about the people that he liked. He tolerated pretty much everyone that wasn't trying to hurt Santana, but he really only seemed to actively like Mercedes. He was also fond of children but really only got to see them when they went to the park and children happened to be around. She had often wondered if he would ever be protective if something bad happened. But then one night she has the misfortune of being able to find out that yes, he would protect her. A man tried to mug her when she was out walking him and apparently hadn't seen Marshmallow from where he was standing, and he tried to mug her. But Marshmallow was having none of it and promptly chased the man until he climbed onto of a dumpster. And that is where Marshmallow made sure he stayed until the police came.

When they walked back into the apartment Santana could hear Emily in the kitchen. She walked in and saw her messing with her coffee pot clearly trying to figure out how it worked. "That's cool, just make yourself at home." Emily rolled her eyes in response. Santana walked over and helped her make the coffee.

After it was done brewing they both grabbed a cup and were sitting at the table. The silence was awkward. Santana kept watching Emily, hoping they could talk about last night but not totally sure how to bring it up. But as Emily started to fidget she could tell not much had changed since she was last in the girls life. Emily does not deal well with guilt. Just watch her, let her stew for a little bit, and then give her a gentle nudge and you won't be able to shut her up. She would confess almost anything. After a few more minutes of awkward silence Santana decides to end it. "What you did last night wasn't cool."

That's really all it took to break Emily of her quickly fading cool exterior. "I know. Santana I feel so bad. I couldn't fall asleep last night and almost came and woke you up to apologize. It was stupid. I was drinking and I honestly hadn't meant for that to happen. I'm really sorry and I hope this doesn't make things weird between us, I really don't want to happen." She was pleading. And Santana believes her. She nods, swallowing her coffee.

"How did you end up there anyway?" Santana wonders. Emily looks slightly embarrassed.

"I've always kind of kept up with you on Facebook. Especially after I saw that you moved here. And you know being in New York was kind of always my dream. Then I moved here and I always wanted to message you and ask you to go for lunch or something but every single way I thought of how to ask felt awkward. But then yesterday I was checking Facebook and I saw your friend invited you to the bar, and you had replied that you'd probably see him there." Her hands fidgeted with the coffee cup so much she nearly spilt it. Santana reached across the table and stilled her hands. "Sorry. So I thought maybe if I just ran into you that it would be less awkward. Except I kind of fucked that up." Santana let out a forced laugh.

"Yeah you kind of did. But it's ok. We're fine. I missed you anyway." The last thing she wanted was to turn this into a discussion about Brittany but she owed Emily at least a little bit. "I always felt like you were kind of my little sister too. But then everything happened and I always wanted to call you and tell you if you needed me, or whatever, that I'm always here. But I assumed you would be mad at me and it all just kind of hurt a lot so I never did. It's not an excuse though. I should have called. Or stalked your Facebook or something." She winked in Emily's direction. A silence fell over the table that didn't feel awkward but she wouldn't exactly call it comfortable. Eventually Emily looked up from her coffee.

"Do you want to know how Brittany is doin-"

"No." Santana answered quickly. She didn't want to talk about Brittany. Whenever she would ask about her to Quinn or Mike she needed days to prepare. She couldn't just have things like this sprung on her. She shook her head to emphasize the point.

"Still?" Emily asked softly.

"Yeah." Santana coughed away the tightness in her throat. Emily took the cue.

"Enough of this sappy shit. Anywhere to order food? We should watch a scary movie?" And that's exactly how they spent the rest of Sunday.

On Monday morning Santana woke up to get ready for work and was as quiet as she could be so she didn't wake Emily. Marshmallow was less concerned and there were a few times that Santana was positive she was going to wake but she didn't. Before she left she put the spare key on the counter with a note.

_Emily,_

_You don't have to take Marshmallow for a walk or anything but he might like you more if you did._

_Santana_

She grabbed her bag to leave the house but then thinking about it, grabbed twenty dollars out and left it beside the note.

This pattern continued for the rest of the week. Sometimes the money would be there, sometimes it wouldn't. She bought some groceries Santana noticed. And she definitely had gone and got some of her own clothes at some point. She came back on Wednesday and Emily wasn't there. Santana started to get scared that she had left permanently and they had stupidly never exchanged phone numbers. But she did come back, and upon seeing Santana look nervous, told her that she has night class on Wednesdays.

Next Monday at work Santana decided she needed to have a conversation with Emily about what was going on. She had no idea where Emily was supposed to be staying or what the extent of her situation was. When she got home that evening it was to Emily cooking dinner for the both of them and feeding Marshmallow pieces of bacon. "He pretends to like me when I'm feeding him or walking him but I don't think his feelings are real. I'm not sure what else to do."

"He's kind of a one woman guy Em. I'm sorry." Emily laughed and brought Santana a plate before sitting down herself. "Thanks for dinner."

"Anytime. I remember your inability to cook. I still have nightmares about grilled cheese and fire. My mom used to wonder how you and Brittany ever fed yourself…" Emily quickly saw Santana's face fall. "Sorry. I didn't mean to bring that up."

"No. It's fine." She brushed off quickly. "But I actually wanted to talk to you about something else."

"You're pregnant."

"You're stupid. No. I was actually wondering what's going on with you?" She sees a look of confusion cross Emily's face. "Like where are you meant to be staying? Do you have money? What's your life situation right now. Just be honest with me."

Emily briefly considers lying. She doesn't need pity. But after a second of thought she knows that she needs help right now. "Well you know I'm not staying in the dorms." Santana nods in confirmation. "I'm mostly just couch surfing. I don't have a job. Or money. Kind of at all. I have a metro card and a meal plan though so I just eat on campus in between classes. And use the money you leave for groceries and house stuff. I'm sorry I haven't said thank you. It's just embarrassing."

"Don't be embarrassed Em."

"I can't help it. But I am trying to get a job to make up the money so I can move back into the dorms. And obviously Mom and Dad are still trying to come up with the money." Santana has no faith they'll come up with it. She gets the impression that Emily doesn't really have any faith either. That's a difference between her and Brittany (she sighs at her own thoughts). Brittany believed every single time. She can't help but wonder if she still does. She forces herself to get back to the topic at hand.

"Well. I've been meaning to turn that extra office space-"

"Your video game room."

"Whatever. I've been meaning to turn it into a spare bedroom. Move the systems out here. So. If you wanted to stay here or whatever, you could." She says as off handedly as she can.

"Wait. Like I can live here for real?"

"For real." Santana smiles.

"But I can't pay rent. Yet. I'm still getting a job."

"You don't have to pay rent, I pay it fine on my own. When you get a job I want you to put what you would pay in rent into savings. Ok? That way broken promises won't hurt so bad. Yeah?"

Emily nods but can't exactly contain herself so before Santana can even brace herself she's got Emily wrapped around her in a hug that feels exactly like the kind she used to give when she was younger and she was making them promise they'd come back to visit her.

"Thank you so much Santana."

"No problem kid. Ikea this weekend for a real bed though. Marshmallow is seriously not happy about sharing his couch.

That night while Santana was laying in bed trying to fall asleep she couldn't help but think about how glad she was that she could help Emily. And as hard as she tried, she couldn't help but feel like she was just a little happier because it was Brittany's little sister, and Brittany would be so happy that someone was helping Emily when she couldn't.

The transition didn't prove too terribly difficult. There was some major rearranging of the living room but that was the worst of it. Emily was easy to live with. She wasn't noisy or messy. Marshmallow was, for the most part, indifferent to her. Emily liked to cook which meant Santana ate out less which was definitely for the better. Her friends liked Emily and vice versa. And Emily didn't really bring people back to the house.

Conversation flowed easily between them and occasionally the topic touched upon Brittany. Santana tried to get better about shutting down as soon as Brittany came up. Emily noticed though, every time. It wasn't that Santana never thought about her. But usually those thoughts were at night, when she was trying to sleep. And sometimes she let those thoughts be fantasies. She'd fall asleep with Brittany in her arms those nights. And wake up with her heart heavier than before. Then she would start the forgetting process all over again.

Emily also noticed that Santana never brought anyone home. The guys from work, and sometimes Mercedes. But she definitely wasn't sleeping with anyone on a regular basis. She had originally assumed that Santana would have slept with most of New York City by now but maybe she was wrong. She was curious but didn't exactly know how to bring it up.

One night while Emily was making dinner and Santana was sitting around talking to her while she cooked, she brought up something that had been on her mind. "Hey Em. Does Brittany know you're here?" Emily paused before answering.

"No. I haven't told her. Or Mom and Dad. They just know I'm staying with a friend." Santana nods even though Emily's back is turned to her.

"Ok." Santana assumes that means that Emily hasn't told her because she thinks it would upset Brittany to know. Which yeah, of course it would. Brittany is most definitely happy and doing well and has no desire to hear of her. She thinks that must be it. And Emily can't read minds, but she guesses that Santana's brain didn't just go to the best place because her face is pretty easy to read.

Emily wants to correct her, set the story straight, if she's got the story wrong to begin with. Brittany isn't off happy and in love, or exactly the poster child for solid long term relationships at all really. She's had a string of what felt like half hearted failed attempts. She claims it's because she's busy, and for a while Emily believed that could be true. But maybe it's not. Maybe there is more to it, and that more to it is sitting right in front of her at a table looking completely forlorn.

"What happened after you graduated? I mean I know you're here but how did you get here?" Emily asks trying to distract Santana at least a little bit.

"I got an internship at the company I work for actually. And once it was up they hired me on and I've just kind of been here all along. I love it." Emily sees a window and isn't exactly sure if now is the time to bring this up, but when else is she going to have this opportunity.

"What about your love life?" She asks in a joking tone trying to keep it light.

"I haven't really been in a relationship since…" her voice tapers off.

"Yeah but you're hot. There's no way you couldn't get some girl every weekend. " Santana glares at her before dropping her eyes.

"No." She takes a deep breath. "I mean there's been a few. But almost never more than once." Emily nods and then lets the subject drop.

Santana loves having Emily at her house. It's been almost two months and she still feels that way. It's nice to have someone to talk to regularly other than Marshmallow. There's a lot of perks, and almost no negatives. Like a friend and a little sister all rolled into one. The only negative, really, is that Santana feels like she has less control over her ability to not think about Brittany. Probably in part because Emily looks like Brittany. But also because she frequently walks into the living room when Emily is on the phone with her. Santana usually won't stick around in situations like that but she still can't help from occasionally hearing just the hint of her voice. She can almost make out the words.

Sometimes it almost feels like too much. She never looks at pictures of them. Maybe a handful of times at most. But one night while Emily is out with friends she can't help it. She's wanted to look at them for so long. So she pours herself a glass of wine before rethinking it and just bringing the bottle with her to the living room. She gets out the box of pictures and various other things she still has from their relationship and sits down on the couch. Just a few minutes, she tells herself. And then nothing but comedy movies for the rest of the night.

But that doesn't last. It never does. She's two pictures and a cocktail napkin doodle in before she can't hold the tears back anymore. Wine abandoned with barely five sips gone from it she lays down clutching a picture she took of her and Brittany in bed cuddling.

And that's where Emily finds her when she gets home. At first she's sure that Santana had been drinking, because she's passed out and there's a wine bottle. But when she lifts the bottle it's almost full, and the wine glass is still half full. She barely drank any. After she puts the wine away she comes back to investigate further. But it's not difficult because right there next to the couch is a box of pictures of Santana and Brittany. And clutched in Santana's hand looks like a picture (that has faced many other nights like this one) of the two of them in bed looking happier than she's seen either of them since then. And even though they're closed, she can tell Santana's eyes are red. And the tear tracks are still there. She grabs the blanket from the back of the couch and covers her before going to her room to avoid waking her.

Santana has basically saved Emily's ass. And she knows that. She lives there for free. Emily finds money in her purse sometimes even though she knew it hadn't been there before. Hell, Santana even gave her one of her computers to use so Emily didn't have to spend so much time at the library. She's not the same person she was when she was younger, and afraid. She's not the same person she was the day she broke Brittany's heart. And she can't help but think that maybe there's something she can do for Santana. She doesn't know if it will work for sure, but she knows she won't ever know if she doesn't try.

Santana wakes up the next morning covered in a blanket that she knew hadn't been there last night, still holding Brittany's picture. She doesn't know what to do anymore. It's been years and she still has breakdowns over this girl. And in the light of day, she wishes that she could say she regained some clarity. That nothing is worth the near constant, and occasionally overwhelming, sadness that she has felt for so long now. Except that that isn't true. And every bit of her knows at least that. That Brittany was worth it. She had been worth it and she probably always will be. And that this, this is punishment for ruining that.

She doesn't feel herself bouncing back as quickly this time. Usually when this would happen, she'd call Sugar. Or even go find another girl. But she doesn't want to do that anymore. She's too tired. The idea of putting her heart through that feels exhausting. All she wants to do is go to work, play video games, hang out with Marshmallow and Emily, and go to bed. It's not the worst life anyone has ever lived.

On one of the rare nights that Santana was cooking dinner, Emily came in and sat on the counter. "Hey San. One of my friends is coming into town, is it cool if she stays here?"

"Whatever. As long as she's not annoying." Santana said off handedly. "You live here too. You don't need to ask my permission for things like that." Emily appreciated when Santana said things like that. She liked not feeling like a guest.

Emily was acting weird. She had cleaned their very non dirty apartment three times in the past few days. "Is your friend OCD?" Santana asked while Emily was dusting again.

"No. I just want to make a good impression."

"Ohhhh. Is it that kind of friend?" Santana teased.

"Oh my God Santana no. That's gross."

"Ok Ems whatever you say." Emily shuttered and walked away from her.

A few days later she got a text from Emily saying that her friend had gotten here safe and they were hanging out at the apartment. Santana wasn't even totally sure why she would tell her that. Courtesy she guesses, but not totally necessary.

When she got home that day she grabbed the mail out of the box and walked up the stairs reading it. Bills and magazines mostly. The door was already unlocked so she just stepped in and was confused that Marshmallow didn't immediately run to the door. She walked past the doorway into the kitchen to get a drink. A few seconds later she heard footsteps, both human and dog, but she was absorbed in an email that she was reading. "Hey Marshmallow." She called out so he would come see her.

But Marshmallow didn't come running. And all she heard was a voice that she was positive she would never directly hear again.

"S-Santana?"


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: **Lot's of feels guys. But it was needed. And know that they are headed in a very sweet and smutty direction. And by smutty I mostly mean fluffy with a bit o' smut. That's how I roll. Please review. Please find me on tumblr (same user name). Please thank my beta. She's wonderful.

* * *

Santana ceased all movement. She would know that voice anywhere. But as soon as she stops and realizes, she also finds that she kind of can't breathe. Her arms just fall to her sides and her chest feels a little like it's going to explode. Either from the lack of oxygen or just from everything. She doesn't know.

"Santana?" Brittany asks again. Question and a trace of concern in her voice.

Santana forces herself to breathe, it feels like something has her lungs bound too tight. She slowly turns around and her deepest desire and fears are confirmed. Brittany is standing right in front of her. "I..." She has no idea what to say. She knows she should say something but she has absolutely no idea what. But Brittany cuts in, saving them both from whatever awkwardness that was about to come out of her mouth.

"Emily is living with you?" Brittany smiles, but it's forced. "She didn't tell me." Santana just stares at her. Still a little unsure she isn't dreaming (although if this was a dream, Brittany would already be in her arms she thinks). "I'll go." Brittany mumbles, misinterpreting Santana's silence.

"No!" She reacts too quickly, or too loudly, or too something. "I can go. You can stay. I'll stay next door." Anything to make you more comfortable Brittany. Anything to make you feel better. Anything for you. Her internal monologue screams. Brittany looks at her skeptically.

"It's your apartment Santana." Santana is once again without words. She's busy getting a little lost in blue eyes that she was positive she would never see in person again. Brittany looks as beautiful as ever. More beautiful even. Mature. She starts shifting in a way that has always been a clear indicator that she's anxious. Her discomfort makes Santana hurt worse.

"I can stay next door." She says as clearly as possible still trying to keep the waiver of pain out of her voice.

"You're girlfriend?" Brittany uncharacteristically snaps back. Santana is positive she imagines the hurt and jealousy that flash in those blue, blue eyes. She's tempted to snap back. Every bit of her younger self that still exists inside of her tells her to snap back at Brittany because she never called. Santana went back for her and she never fucking called, or wrote, or visited, or told someone to tell her. Nothing. So Brittany can't be mean to her. But she can't do any of that because she's grown, and she prefers this version of herself, and some part of her knows that she needs Brittany to see that she's changed.

So she takes a calming breath. "No B." Brittany flinches at the old nickname. Santana tries not to notice. "She's just my neighbor. I house sit for her sometimes."

Brittany contemplates for a moment before deflating just a little. "No, stay. It's fine, after tonight I will barely be here anyway." Santana hates that Brittany implies that she has no desire to spend time with her. She feels tears stinging her eyes again and looks toward the ground. She's imagined this situation a thousand times before (when she lets herself), and none of them were like this. She blinks back the tears.

"So what brings you here?"

"Emily invited me to stay with her while I did some auditioning in the city."

"Emily did this?" Santana had semi-deluded herself into believing that maybe Brittany had showed up out of the blue for a surprise visit for Emily or something. She thought Emily cared more about her than to do something like this without warning. But as soon as she looked up, she realized she had said something wrong because she looked hurt.

"I'm sorry you feel like something has been done to you and that it's such an inconvenience to see me." Brittany snapped at her again. Santana could see the tears in her eyes and she wanted to run. But she wasn't that person anymore. She didn't run when things got hard. And this was hard. She could see how unprepared and anxious Brittany felt. Time didn't change her ability to read her. She took a small step closer and tried to appear as calm as possible. "No. That's not it. Honestly Britt, it just still hurts to see you and I'm surprised that Emily would do something like this with no warning."

Now it was Brittany's turn to stare at Santana. She had been sure Santana was going to fight back. Yell. Storm off...something. She had almost hoped for it. Was almost looking for a fight. Looking for a reason to walk away or a reason to be angry. But this Santana felt open, and sad, and defeated. It kind of hurt to see. It took Brittany a while to figure out how to reply, but eventually her shoulders relaxed and she let go of the anger she had been trying to build up. "I don't know why she did this. Maybe she thought we could be adults about seeing each other. I mean it's been years."

Santana flinched. Emily knew she wasn't over it. But Brittany obviously was. A small and broken "Yeah." Escaped her lips. "I need to um...in my room. Yeah." She hated how her voice wavered and cracked. She rushed out and went into her bedroom, careful not to slam the door, remembering how much that used to annoy Brittany, and how she used to do it on purpose. The careful closing of the door did not go unnoticed by Brittany.

She shuffled back to Emily's room. Marshmallow looked conflicted for a moment, but eventually loyalty won out and he walked over and nudged Santana's door with his head. Brittany watched it open to let him in, and then shut, never actually seeing Santana. Brittany goes into Emily's room and get's into her bed. She starts to think about everything that brought her to this moment. Time and distance only helped a small amount in looking at the situation objectively. But she still had so many feelings about it.

Looking back on their relationship, she knows it wasn't very healthy. They were almost always happy together, but when they weren't, they didn't talk about it. Santana hated talking about her feelings and Brittany never pushed, even if it would have been better for Santana. Better for them both. She would just let it go because that was easier at the time. In that way, she always felt like she had failed their relationship. Communication was never hard for her, and she hates that she never tried to teach Santana. Even though Santana taught her tons of things that were hard for her.

But she hadn't really known that it was a big problem. And again, in hindsight she should have. Because at some point, Santana stopped acting like herself. And then things got a little worse. Not insurmountably bad, but worse. Brittany thought leaving for a few days, the distance, would do them good. But then when she came back, Santana said they were done. And it felt like the world ended. And then Santana fed her some line about being friends, which didn't make sense. They weren't friends, they were soul mates.

She never called and begged for Brittany back, which she had been positive she would have. So then she went to collect her things because maybe seeing her would shake Santana up. But it didn't. No call, nothing. A scholarship opened up to go to France and participate in a pretty elite dance program, because someone else from her school had dropped out, so she took it. It wasn't her prime motivation for going. She thought that maybe when Santana heard she left the country it would scare her, the idea that Brittany could just leave, and she would contact her. But not a word. Not ever.

All she knew of Santana's life was that she was ok. She couldn't really bare to hear more than that. But now Santana was here in front of her, and she had changed in what felt like really good ways. She was also more beautiful than ever. And Brittany is as confused as she's ever been. She can't say she ever got over Santana. At some point it hurt less. But sometimes at night it would come up in her thoughts, and it always hurt. She had been in vague meaningless "relationships" with both men and women since. But she never felt anything close to what she had felt with Santana.

Santana didn't try to stop the tears once she got into her bedroom. She was so grateful Marshmallow followed her to her room, even though it made her feel terrible that Brittany was now alone. She crawled onto the bed and buried her face in Marshmallow's side and cried until she couldn't anymore. She wanted to call Quinn, but she wasn't even sure what she would say, so she just let herself cry. Eventually the guilt got became too much. She knew Brittany was alone and probably feeling awkward. She didn't really know her way around the city and Emily wasn't going to be home till at least 11:00 tonight. She got up, went to her mirror, did her best to fix her face and, went out to the main room. As soon as she walked out Marshmallow walked over to the door almost looking guilty for needing to go out. She went to the door looking for his leash when she heard Brittany walk into the room behind her. Santana turned to look at her and could tell Brittany had been crying. She didn't know what to make of that but she thought maybe not bringing it up would be better. "I was just going to take Marshmallow-"

"Can I come?" Brittany cut her off, wringing her hands.

Santana cocked her head to the side and gave her a small smile. "Of course." So they both got ready and walked out behind Marshmallow. As soon as they go out he did his business But Santana decided to walk around the block anyway. He nudged Brittany for pets a few times in a way that Santana was only used to him doing with her. "He really likes you. Mostly he just ignores everyone that isn't me. He's only recently started acknowledging Emily." Brittany smiled a brilliant smile at Santana, who felt her knees weaken.

"He's the sweetest. I never took you for a dog person. You used to think dogs were gross." Santana wasn't sure if she liked or was upset by how easily Brittany bought up the past.

"A lot of things have changed Britt." She answered softly. Brittany was almost starting to feel bad everytime she expected Santana to respond in a not so nice way, and then she doesn't.

"I'm seeing that." It was Santana's turn to smile. They finished their walk and made it back up to Santana's apartment. She hung the leash back up before making a possibly stupid decision. But things felt kind of easy and she didn't want it to end.

"Are you hungry? Would you like to go get something to eat with me?" But then she got nervous and started to back peddle. "Or I could tell you the better delivery places near by?"

"I'd like to go out if you don't mind? If you're not busy."

"Not at all. Are you ready now?" Brittany nodded. So Santana grabbed her purse and and lead Brittany outside. Things were easy but still strange. They spent time asking questions but being very careful about what they asked and how they answered. Brittany hated the awkwardness, but didn't know a way around it.

"So you know I'm dancing obviously. What are you up to?"

"I'm actually working exactly where I always wanted; programming video games." Brittany's heart swelled. She felt pride even though she hadn't been involved in Santana's journey. But she had spent hours listening to rants about male dominated fields, and limited prospects. And she was there to boost Santana's confidence when she decided that her dream was an impossible one. And she always knew Santana could do it, but Santana was her own worst enemy sometimes. So to hear that she actually did make it happen made her so happy.

"I always knew you could do it." Brittany answered sincerely.

"Even when I didn't know." Santana replied, their eyes meeting for a brief moment before they both looked away. Brittany asked a few questions about the job which lead to humorous stories about Puck and Sam. And how the industry really was very sexist and male dominated, but that once you make a place for yourself and they know you can hold your own, it really isn't so bad. She then asked dozens of questions about Brittany's career and clapped and cheered in all the right places making Brittany feel like a huge star, even though she wasn't really. But the way Santana looked at her made Brittany feel like so much more than what she was. And that felt dangerous.

They went to dinner and Brittany knew it was chosen for her because they were at a Mexican restaurant and Santana wasn't a huge fan of Mexican food. But Brittany loved it. Santana couldn't believe how well it was going and how every minute felt easier than the last. But in the back of her mind all she could think about was how badly she had hurt Brittany, how deep that regret ran. And how even though she didn't blame her, Brittany had never tried to get her back.

By time they were walking back to the apartment from the subway station they were all jokes and laughing. Santana could barely stop herself from holding Brittany's hand. But she knew that would be completely inappropriate. She just wished she could get a better read on what Brittany was thinking and feeling, but she couldn't. All she could do was keep asking questions to keep Brittany talking to her. If nothing else, it was becoming immediately apparent that she couldn't let Brittany out of her life again.

Brittany had no idea what was happening inside of her. It felt like her heart was at war with her brain. And she didn't even know why her heart was getting involved. It hadn't exactly fared well in this situation the last time. Plus they had done everything they could to avoid the topic of romance and Brittany wasn't exactly sure why that was. She was afraid it was because Santana had someone but didn't want to tell her. Earlier when Brittany asked her if her neighbor was her girlfriend, Santana had said that she wasn't, but not that she didn't have one at all. And now Brittany's brain hurt from over thinking while trying to follow conversation.

They got back inside and Marshmallow greeted them. Brittany immediately hugged him around the neck. The sight did something to Santana. Seeing Brittany fit so effortlessly into her life made it impossible not to feel like there has to still be something here. So when Brittany stands up and catches Santana staring, she couldn't turn away or try to play it off. She just kept staring.

"I've missed you Brittany." Santana near whispers. And after hearing that, after the night they have had, is almost everything Brittany wants. But it's also the scariest thing Santana could have said. And because she was burnt so bad last time, it's with fear that she reacts. And Santana can see the shift before Brittany even opens her mouth.

"No. No, Santana you do not get to say that. You don't get to miss me. Not after you broke my heart." Brittany could have walked away after that. Should have. But she wants to push. She wants that proof that Santana hasn't changed. That she's still unpredictable. That everything that didn't work about who and how they were was still there. This couldn't work. It was Santana's fault. So she kept pushing.

"You left me. You hurt me. And you don't get to put on this act like you've changed. Or like you're sorry. Did you even regret it Santana? Did you run off and sleep with a bunch of random girls? I bet you did. I bet you still do. You left Santana and you don't get to say you miss me like that means something. It doesn't. You didn't even try to get me back." Brittany didn't feel good about anything she said. But it might have been worth it, if most of it had been true. But it wasn't. And honestly, nothing now or ever was worth the look of absolute heartbreak on Santana's face. Or the tears that she could see forming in her warm brown eyes. Brittany regrets everything instantly. At one point she thought maybe hurting Santana back would make her feel better. She had never been so wrong.

But Brittany had pushed too hard and this time Santana couldn't take it, so she turned around and walked to her room without a word. Brittany almost went after her but she desperately didn't want to make it worse. But before she could turn and go into Emily's room, Santana's door opened. She stood there with tears running down her cheeks, and in the most heartbreaking voice that Brittany had ever heard, Santana voiced one of Brittany's greatest regrets. "You didn't fight for me either." Before she disappeared and closed the door again.

Brittany stood speechless. Santana wasn't wrong. It wasn't till too long after that that thought had occurred to Brittany. In her mind, she had assumed it was Santana's job to come back. But now, with just those words, she sees how misguided that idea really was. Brittany should have fought. Letting herself get wrapped up in anger at Santana, and then herself, had just caused years of built up bad feelings that had caused her to act in a way that she never ever would have. And she hurt someone who, despite time and distance, meant the world to her. She feels terrible about what she said, and really the way she's been acting towards her on and off all day. She was at least a little responsible for the end of their relationship. But she was definitely wrong about breaking Santana's heart just now, because she's positive that's what she did. She needs to close her eyes. She needs to sleep, she's exhausted and upset. She can't even be bothered to go into Emily's room. So Brittany walks to the couch, takes off her shoes, lays down, and covers up with a blanket.

After a few seconds of breathing trying to calm herself, she realizes that she's surrounded by Santana's scent. Something that hasn't changed in the years they were apart, not really. And then she just lets the tears fall. She cries for her broken heart, and for the shame of hurting Santana, and for the newly broken hope that this might have turned out ok. Because while they were out, she could feel it; every ounce of chemistry they once had was still there. And there was hope. But she had ruined it, so she just cried. And eventually, cried herself to sleep.

Emily heard every word of what had just went down. Never in her life had she ever heard Brittany say something so hurtful. Emily knew Brittany was hurt, and fear was causing her to act that way. She also noticed that Brittany had a few facts wrong, and that was Emily's fault. She had to help them fix this. She didn't know how though and maybe it wasn't her job to fix it. She had already put them in the same room. Now she owed Brittany some truths and maybe it would fix itself. They had to figure it out.

The next morning she woke up even earlier than she needed to get to her first class. Guilt weighed heavy on her mind. She can't help but think maybe she shouldn't have tampered. What would have happened if she had just called Brittany up and told her everything and then let Brittany make her own decisions? She can't just lay here playing out what ifs though, because she can't change what's already happened. So she gets up and throws some clothes on and goes out into the living room and finds Brittany with her face buried in one of Santana's favorite blankets. "Hey. Britt wake up." She whispers shaking her sister slightly. Brittany stirs, she hadn't been sleeping very deeply.

"Was wrong?" She mumbles rubbing her eyes.

"I need to talk to you about something. It's important."

"Mmkay." Brittany sits up making room for Emily on the couch. "Is this about you telling me I can stay here and not telling me you live with Santana? Or just you not telling me you live with Santana period?" Emily cringed, but Brittany didn't sound extremely upset. Yet.

"Ok I have a lot of things to talk to you about. But the first one... I heard you yelling last night. And you said something about Santana never coming back for you. That's not entirely true." She felt Brittany tense beside her.

"What do you mean?"

"You have to know I was looking out for you Britt. And I thought it was kind of too little too late at the time. Please don't be mad."

"Emily what do you mean?" Brittany's voice was firm but her eyes were wide and nervous.

"Santana came to the house. After you left for France. She came and she had flowers or something. I don't really remember. But I told her you were gone. And she asked if I could tell you she came, and to call her. And I never told you."

"No you didn't." Emily tried to apologize again but Brittany cut her off. "I know you're sorry. I know you did it for what you thought was a good reason. But I can't talk to you right now." Emily nodded, trying not to let her emotions show too much. She knew she had done wrong, and she knew Brittany would forgive her, she just needed time.

"Ok. I'm going to class. Call me if you need anything." Brittany nodded, and Emily got up and left.

Brittany had no idea what time it was. She hadn't checked any clocks. She didn't even have a concept of how much time had passed since Emily left. And more out of fear than any kind of rational knowledge, Brittany convinced herself that Santana was already gone for the day. She needed to talk to her. She didn't even know what this new revelation meant, or if it changed anything. But beyond even that, she needed to apologize for last night. She got up and went to her bedroom door which was still closed and knocked on it lightly. Receiving no reply, she pushed it open slightly. There was Santana, curled in a ball on the bed looking tiny compared to Marshmallow, who lifted his head to look at Brittany. She shouldn't be looking but she can't help it. She knows this sleeping position. It's how Santana used to sleep when they would get in a fight and Brittany would purposely sleep not touching her so that she could have some space. She'd wake up and Santana would look just like this, like she was trying to hold and comfort herself. It broke her heart then, and it broke her heart now. She gently shut the door and walked to Emily's room and collapsed on the bed. The alarm clock read that it was only a bit past 7:00.

She wanted to go back into Santana's room and hold her. She wanted to erase the past years. Or at least last night. The thought that finally brought her to tears though, was of Santana waiting for a phone call that never came. How long did she wait? Was she still waiting? It all hurt too much. Brittany felt even more shame and anger for what she had said last night. She got back up and walked out into the living room, grabbed the blanket that smelled like Santana before going back to Emily's room. She didn't care if it was weird. Or not her place. She needed some part of Santana right now. So she clutched the blanket, and cried herself back to sleep for the second time in less than twenty-four hours.

Someone in the kitchen woke Brittany a little while later, and she had to assume it was Santana. She managed to control the impulse to literally run into the kitchen and throw her arms around the girl and never let go. She got up, changed her clothes so she wouldn't be wearing the same thing she had been wearing yesterday, ran her fingers through her hair, and went out to find her. When she got into the kitchen, Santana was singing softly and putting things away. Brittany had always loved her voice. And the sleep shorts she was wearing should be illegal they were so short. Marshmallow noticed her first and came bounding happily over to her. She was happy he wasn't angry with her. As soon as Marshmallow walked away from his position at Santana's side, she turned around too. As soon as she saw Brittany she flinched a little which just made the guilt burn a little more.

"I thought you had an audition this morning." Her voice was hoarse, she had spent the night crying.

"I thought you had work?" Maybe she should have just explained why she wasn't at her audition.

"I didn't really get any sleep last night so..." She trailed off. Her weariness came off of her in waves.

"I didn't go to my audition because I needed to talk to you."

"You said everything you needed to last night. I get it. I will never be more sorry for any-"

"No. Santana I wanted to apologize." Santana's arms crossed over her chest and she still wasn't exactly making eye contact. Brittany couldn't blame her. "Will you sit with me?"

"I do-"

"Please. Just for a little while. And if at any point you want to get up and leave, that's ok. I understand." Santana was grateful to Brittany for at least giving her that out. Because she would have stayed, to prove she was different, which obviously didn't matter to Brittany but it mattered to her. She would have stayed even if it was killing her. And she's glad that at the very least, she'd be allowed to walk away for a little bit. She nodded, grabbing her water and walking over to the table to sit down. Marshmallow back to diligently sitting at her side.

"I'm sorry about last night. I'm actually sorry for a lot of things I didn't even know I was sorry for. But first of all, last night. I was so completely out of line. The thing is Santana, I can tell you've changed. And I know you're not the same person you were. Neither of us are. I was just so scared, and I was feeling so many things. You know?" Santana relaxed into her chair and nodded her head.

"I do know. And I'm sorry for making it worse."

"You don't need to be. I missed you too. I've missed you since, well really since before we even broke up." Santana looked down at the table in shame. "Don't do that. We were both at fault."

"No we weren't."

"Yes, we were. I knew something was going on and I didn't ask. I never asked. I never made you talk to me. More than that I knew something was wrong with you and I left for that spring break anyway. And I shouldn't have. Because when someone you love needs you, you stay and help them. And I abandoned you. I didn't even realize it for a while after we broke up. But that's what I did."

"I never thought like that though. I never blamed you."

"You wouldn't Santana. You would take the blame for the entire world if you could find a way to justify it. You blame yourself for everything." Santana's eyes started to sting and she hated that so early in this conversation she was going to lose her composure, but Brittany was right. She was always right. "We were terrible at talking San, you can't take sole blame for that."

"But what happened was still my fault."

"I'm still not even totally sure what happened. Can we talk about that?" Santana nodded, absentmindedly rubbing Marshmallow's ears. "Tell me what happened."

"Honestly, and I don't mean to say this to downplay the situation, but I don't even know. I've thought about it more than a million times, and it's never really made sense."

"I'm glad both of us feel that way then." They shared small sad smiles.

"I think it was a lot of things, none of which actually had anything to do with you. I was scared I think. My mom had been talking to me about not getting too serious and not getting our lives too wrapped up together, because when things ended that would make it worse. And then the Christmas before we broke up she asked me how I knew you were the one; I had nothing to compare it to. And I think because things went so wrong with my parents, and I watched how it affected me all those years, still affects her, it got me thinking." Truthfully, Brittany had never been a huge fan of Santana's mother. She supported her but in the most backhanded way. She downplayed every success Santana had, and was always negating their relationship. "I think us breaking up was the last straw of me trying to make our relationship work. We don't talk much anymore. She doesn't seem to care very much."

"I'm sorry Santana."

"I think it's better. I'm glad she's still there in some capacity, but her negativity isn't good for me." Brittany just nodded because she completely agreed but wasn't really sure it was her place to just yet.

"So you were scared? What happened though? When we actually broke up? Because even though I knew something was wrong with you I still felt like it happened randomly."

"It did. Before spring break, during midterms, I met this girl in the library." Brittany stiffened. "I swear I never cheated on you Britt. But I met her and she was clearly attracted to me and I think it surprised me a little bit. To remember that girls other than you would be attracted to me. And that coupled with everything with my mom kind of made things really hard in my head. And then we fought before you left, and we never fought. You know?" Brittany did know. Mostly they walked away, which wasn't healthy either.

"We didn't talk about bad feelings. Which I think was kind of what got us to that place."

"Yeah. And because we never fought, I think that allowed some of the insecurities my mom had given me to work there way in. And then you didn't call to tell me you had landed like you always do and I felt like I was being punished, even though you told me your phone had died. I still felt like if we hadn't fought, you would have found a way to call me to tell me you were safe. I don't know, it's stupid."

"It's not stupid. You're probably right. I remember thinking that it didn't matter because you were mad at me anyway. Which isn't an excuse. No matter how mad I am at you I always want to know you're safe and ok." Santana swallowed heavily trying to ease the sting of tears. She was so sick of crying.

"I called that girl that night, and we hung out. It was so stupid. She was flirty and I was awkward. And she knew I had a girlfriend, I told her. And I didn't even like being around her, but I think I was punishing myself with the guilt I felt. I don't know. Anyway, I worked a lot spring break, talked to you till late at night, and hardly got any sleep. So by time you got back I was just exhausted."

"I remember. You felt so heavy and tired. And I thought that if I could finally just get you to talk to me about what was wrong, you'd be able to sleep better. But it was too little too late I guess, because you had already decided to break up with me at that point."

"No I didn't. I honestly didn't. I meant to open my mouth and tell you that I had had a rough week. And that I just wanted to go to bed. And then that shit about taking a break came out of my mouth. It was something I had thought about over break but had in no way made a decision about. But in that moment, I made a snap decision. And then used the fact that it was a snap decision to justify it. Like I wouldn't have done it if it wasn't the right thing to do sort of thing. Which was just stupid. And then you left, reasonably so, and I did the worst thing I could have done. I called my mother." Brittany didn't know whether it felt better or worse to know what had happened wasn't something that Santana had been wanting to do for a while. On one hand, she was starting to see how much of a mistake it really was. On the other hand, the idea that one of the most painful things that had ever happened to her in her life was based on a snap decision. But that was in the past, and they needed to keep this conversation going.

"I can only guess what she said."

"Yeah." Santana sniffed. "You know, my bad habits and negative thinking come from her. So when I called her, she just validated everything I had done. And I think deep down it comes from a place of her wanting to protect my heart. But if I had called Quinn, she would have told me how stupid I was, and I would have called you that night to tell you it was a mistake. Like I wanted to. But my mom told me to give it time. So I did. I also told myself that you not calling to try and fix things meant that somehow, you agreed with what happened." Brittany just shook her head.

"I was just waiting for you to call. And you never did. So eventually I thought maybe you seeing me would remind you of how bad you messed up. That's why I came and got my stuff. I didn't need any of it anyway. I just wanted to see you. But that didn't work."

"It definitely hurt to see you. Especially since I could tell how tired you were. And how sad. It made me hate myself."

"So then what happened? Why didn't you call?"

"I think I just felt like I owed it to you to leave you alone. To not drag you down anymore. And I still had so much doubt about what I had done, but was still so scared about all of the stupid fears I had, I needed to know for sure. So then I did something really stupid." Brittany could feel what was coming and she didn't want to hear it, but knew she had to. So she signaled for Santana to continue. "I went out with that girl from the library. We slept together." Brittany's breath caught even though she had known, she felt the tears start to fall and wiped them away quickly. "It made my heart feel terrible Britt." Santana's voice finally broke. "I hated myself so bad. But it made me see how stupid I was. How fucking stupid it was to push away the best thing that has ever happened to me. And I hate that it had to be sleeping with someone else that showed me that. But I felt nothing with her. Not like when we made love. And I knew that I needed you back."

Santana needed a few second to compose herself and wipe away the falling tears. "I waited. I didn't want to show up at your dorm to dump this realization on you. I needed to be sure. So I did nothing but think about it for days and days. I'm surprised I even passed my finals honestly. And then a week after the break I started calling you to see if we could meet up, but I never got an answer, and you never called back."

"I had already left. My phone was just sitting in the bottom of a box in my room waiting for the contract to run up that month. I hadn't even thought to check my voicemails because everyone knew I was gone."

"Except me." Santana hadn't meant to sound so broken. She didn't blame Brittany but it still hurt. "So I went to your house and talked to Emily. She said you were gone, and that you didn't want to talk to me. I asked her to tell you I came, and that I needed to talk to you. She said she would. So I waited. For what felt like a year. And I never heard from you. I knew Mike and Quinn had because that's how I would check up to make sure you were ok. But I didn't keep trying because you made your choice. And I had to live with that." Santana has both arms wrapped around herself, and was desperately trying to contain how badly she needed to cry right now.

"I need to tell you something ok?" Brittany spoke as gently as she could. Santana nodded. "Emily never told me you came. She told me this morning. I guess she overheard us fighting last night. And I'm furious with her, but I understand why she did it. But I didn't know you came back Santana. I assumed, as I had been doing, that you had just moved on. I swear I would have called." They are both crying now. And Marshmallow has no idea how or who to comfort so he does what he can to press himself against both girls hoping it will help.

"I think...can I go to my room? I'm not running away, I promise, I just need a minute."

"No I think that's best." Brittany scratches Marshmallow before standing up. "Would it be ok if maybe you hugged me though? Can we do that?" Santana nods and stands up, chest heaving, and opens her arms. Brittany steps into them wrapping her arms around Santana and they hold each other tight. They both start to cry harder at how amazing it feels to be in each other's arms again. Brittany can't stop herself from burying her face in Santana's neck. They hold each other tight for a few minutes before pulling apart, both girls sobbing. Santana almost reluctantly turns to go back to her room. Although she's feeling a lot of really big things, she can't help but hold on to that little glimmer of hope that says this feels a little like this could be a new beginning.


End file.
